Long the weigh
I miss
Took some clash
Charging another
Once an abject of my affection
Now a worthy suspect
In a lineup
Of numbered whoa’s
Among many
Seedy subjects
On the lam
Yet beyond a shadow
Of doubt
To the maxim
Looking like a duck
Walking like a duck
Quacking like a duck
Then duck!
Turning in
Turning out
To be a quack
Apprehending
I’ve been doctored
Now witnessing
Neither
A ghastly tale
To be chaste
Nor a menacing bill
To be payin’
Strangely just
A beginning
Only under standing
Won mourn
The oblige-ations
Of duckiness
A-mending
This poem is a tribute to the healing process after the break up of a romantic relationship. This healing process is about moving beyond taking everything personally and gaining some detached perspective regarding how poorly we all often behave under stress and duress. This process is probably best captured in dealing with the end of an intimate relationship, but it applies widely across life. Perhaps the greatest blessing of intimate relationships is that it allows us to take things deeply personally, hopefully in a safe manner. Unfortunately, when an intimate relationship breaks apart, this vulnerability brings great pain. Since both people in an intimate relationship are vulnerable, with lives meshed and knowing each others buttons, a breakup can be an irresistible invitation to hurt those who have hurt us so deeply. While this may not be a particularly enlightened or healthy way to cope with loss, hurt people hurting others is perhaps a universal human experience, from both the receiving and dishing it out ends.
In this poem, this predicament and attitude is transcended by a process of “duckiness.” Ducky simply means likeable or agreeable. Things aren’t always as they appear. A generous attitude toward other may very well be the most appropriate default attitude. Of course, sometimes what looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck is, in fact, a duck. Nonetheless, even if things are as they appear, our attitude and reaction toward any given situation molds oneself, even defines oneself. And like they say, honey will get you farther than vinegar. Our attitudes and behaviors are, well, ours. What other people do is theirs. What you do and how you do it does influence other people, but we all have our own choices to make, and can only be held responsible for our own attitudes and behavior.
Of course, the trickiness of relationships is that yours, mine, and ours is easily confused. This is probably why love, generosity and simple kindness allow relationships to continue and grow. We all need space to be who we are, without judgment or sanction, that is, to be accepted as the imperfect beings that we are all. In a wonderful paradox, acceptance is often the greatest medium for bringing about change! However, if a relationship is strained or at a breaking point, then boundary issues become more urgent, perhaps even a crisis. People may start behaving in ways one considers unacceptable, or at least greatly dis-likable. Accepting the other person the way they are, a pretty good working definition of love, does not demand some grand control or manipulation of their defects, but rather a healthy boundary for oneself to avoid harm from another’s toxic attitude or behavior. No doubt, moving from a deeply personal meshing of one’s lives to a more detached way of relating can be difficult and confusing, especially if one is pondering severing a relationship completely, a relationship that may have provided many good things in each of your lives. This can be the worst form of loss in life. While suffering the worst losses in our lives may not bring out the best in us, this is equally true for those around experiencing great loss. Such trying situations beg for compassion — compassion for ourselves and compassion for others. There are few situations that kindness will make worse. Try a little duckiness. And if kindness doesn’t work, then it’s time to duck out…
