MOCK FUNERAL SCRIPT
OCCUPY TOLEDO
April 1, 2012

View Funeral Program

PROCESSIONAL

We Are Overcome (sung with joyous resignation)
We are overcome, we are overcome,
We are overcome today;
Oh, deep in my heart, I do believe,
We are overcome today.
Verse 2 - We'll walk head in hands

[Pallbearers process in with casket]

[after Prelude Stops]

WELCOME

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Welcome to FirstEnergy Square. Thanks for coming out to the Frito-Lay Memorial Service for Occupy Toledo. We want to give special thanks to Frito-Lay corporation who was willing to bury us when the chips were down. Oh yeah, and here in FirstEnergy Square, if we were to actually have electricity, we would have thanked FirstEnergy corporation for that.

PREACHER: The Peace of Chrysler be with you.
People: And also with you.
PREACHER: In the name of the Wall mart, the Chevron, and the General Electric, three companies, but one in purpose.
People: Amen

INVOCATION

PREACHER: Oh great corporations, great is your power. You transcend the nations. Legislators beg for your favors. Truly thou art in bed with them. Bless us today by thy mighty rod of justice. As though dost observe us through thy security apparatus, we call upon thee to be present and favorable to us this day. In the name of the holy bottom line.
People: Amen

SONG LEADER: Please join us in our Opening Hymn: This Land is Your Land. The words are found in the program.
This land is your land. It sure ain't our land. That's why you sack us, that's why you frack us.
You have the lawyers, the legislators, This land was made for you, not me.

OBITUARY/BIO (view Obituary)

Occupy Toledo was born October 10, 2011, to it's parents, the Arab Spring and Occupy Wall Street. Born of hope, Occupy Toledo burst onto the scene in its own charmingly childish way. However, from the birth of Occupy Toledo, few people could understand what it wanted. Onlookers mumbled again and again: "What do they want?" "I don't get it." Occupy Toledo flailed around for about 6 months until it realized that it was too small to succeed. After scrutinizing corporate behavior, Occupy Toledo in due course discovered that the nobility of American corporations was unparalleled. The dearly departed realized that in these great United States of America, injustices are so few and far between, that it could no longer even occupy itself. Unavoidably, Occupy Toledo came to its senses, recognized its irrelevancy, and accepted that resistance to corporate rule is futile. Fortunately, in the end, Occupy Toledo had gained at least the good sense to crawl into a coroner's office and die. Occupy Toledo died on April 1, 2012, due to apathy. Protesters were the Time Magazine Person of the Year in 2011. Gracefully, protesters like Occupy Toledo are stepping aside to make room for the inevitable Time Magazine Person of the Year for 2012: the Corporate Person, born of Citizens United, the true will of human persons across America. Occupy Toledo is survived by countless cousins around the country, many of whom have not achieved enlightenment, so they have not yet abandoned their vain struggles against corporate America, which is obviously too big too fail. The bad news is that Occupy Toledo is dead. The good news is that its condition is stable.

THANKSGIVING TO CORPORATE SPONSORS (View Thanksgiving to Corporate Sponsors script)

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It is now time for the Thanksgiving to Corporate Sponsors. Let us give thanks to our corporate sponsors. Our liturgist will read a message of thanks. Since this Palm Sunday, the proper response is for you to raise your palms, your funeral fans, wave goodbye to Occupy Toledo, and declare, Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie! [lift sign with Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie! ] View Funeral Fan

LITURGIST: Thank you corporate sponsors for making the death of Occupy Toledo possible.

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: We are so thankful that these huge corporations took time to notice us and that they could sponsor our death today, just like they have so faithfully sponsored the deaths of so many before.

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: We thank our corporate sponsors who have been so kind as to fund a small free speech zone, so we can have one last glimpse of what free speech looks like. [Free Speech zone is a cordoned off area with play money clipped to rope. View Free Speech Zone sign 1 and sign 2 - Out to Lunch]

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: We thank you, ever-fair and balanced corporate media pall bearers. You have safely carried us to our death. You have treated both truth and democracy equally superficially. You have reduced truth to easily digestible sound bites. You have saved us from having to deal with difficult issues. You have amply demonstrated that corporate democracy is open equally to anyone with a media conglomerate.

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: We thank you almighty corporate sponsors for doing what was necessary in recent months to shock and awe us into remembering what our rightful place is in corporate America.

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: We thank you, all-generous corporate sponsors, for whatever jobs you manage to have for us. Whatever value we add by our labors we owe to you.

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: We thank you, oh great corporate producers, who make such cool crap for us to buy. Thank you for spending the billions of dollars necessary to convince us what is cool and what we need. We could never figure this out ourselves.

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: We thank you American corporations for making the United States the greatest market segment ever. Thank you for making us the number one consumer of pretty much anything and everything on the planet.

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: We thank you, oh wise corporations, for helping us to die to the lies that we have been taught since childhood by foolish parents and greedy teachers: the lie that democracy is workable only if it is of the people, by the people, and for the people.

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: We thank you, oh wise corporations, for helping us to die to the lie that we should be more than workers who sell ourselves to the highest bidder.

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: We thank you, oh wise corporations, for helping us to die to the lie that we should restrain ourselves from buying anything and everything that we can afford.

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: We thank you, oh wise corporations, for helping us to die to the lie that we shouldn't spend maybe just a little bit more than we can afford, if the financial wizards deem us credit-worthy.

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: We thank you, oh wise corporations, for helping us to die to the lie that we shouldn't consume as much as we can before we die. Duh, when else are we supposed to consume our stuff?!

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: While our corporate sponsors cannot lend an actual hand, since they are not real persons, we will take their symbols, their logos, and money for naming rights as an acceptable substitute for their humanity.

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: We want to give special recognition for Frito-Lay for its willingness to bury us when the chips were down.

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

LITURGIST: Oh yeah, and thanks to the actual people who did the actual work of carrying the casket, preparing the food, yada, yada, yada, etc., etc., etc.

RESPONSE: Work, Buy, Consume, Die! All Else Is a Lie!

EULOGIES

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Nobody else bothered to offer a eulogy, so this letter will have to do.

OR

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Now we will hear a eulogy for Occupy Toledo.

[Insert here as many eulogies as you like]

LETTER FROM CORPORATE SPONSORS (View Letter from Corporate Sponsors prop, script)

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Our corporate sponsors could not be here today. However, they did send this nice letter.

READER:

Dear Occupants,

The Coalition for the Promotion of Corporate Goods is deeply honored and personally touched to sponsor your [insert event name here]. We consider your community as our community, your home as our home. We have worked tirelessly to improve the community of [insert name of city here]. We no longer employ any corporate staff in your region, so please forgive our not having any actual human being there to bring you this message.

In perpetual servitude,

Jennifer Jones

Junior Marketing Intern
The Coalition for the Promotion of Corporate Goods

LITANY OF RESIGNATION (View Litany of Resignation script)

LITURGIST: Please join me in the Litany of Resignation. Your Response is "Oh Corporate Overlords, please hear our plea."

LITURGIST: We have observed, studied, and protested the behavior of corporate America in recent months. Only now do we realize that corporate America is too big to fail. Oh Corporate Overlords, please forgive our slowness of learning.

Response: Oh Corporate Overlords, please hear our plea.

LITURGIST: Only in standing in awe of the sheer size of corporate America have we realized that we are too small to make a difference. Oh Corporate Overlords, please forgive our lack of humility and forgetting our place in corporate America

Response: Oh Corporate Overlords, please hear our plea.

LITURGIST: Only now have we overcome our skepticism about corporate personhood. We now realize that corporate personhood is superior to human personhood in every way. Oh Corporate Overlords, please forgive our arrogance in thinking that flawed human persons should rule over corporations, rather than corporations rule over us. Oh Corporate Overlords, please forgive our misguided thinking.

Response: Oh Corporate Overlords, please hear our plea.

LITURGIST: We now recognize the superiority of corporate personhood having no arms and hands, unlike flawed human persons. Our arms tire and our hands become crippled with carpal tunnel syndrome and arthritis after years of repetitive work. Whereas, corporate arms reach effortlessly across international boundaries and encircle the globe with its bounteous and all-wise invisible hand. Oh Corporate Overlords, please forgive our weakness and small reach.

Response: Oh Corporate Overlords, please hear our plea.

LITURGIST: We now recognize the superiority of corporate personhood having no legs and feet, unlike flawed human persons. We are slow to travel and take up space. Fortunately, by relying on your great provision for us, we may have get around easier with cars or airplanes, or God forbid, public transportation. We are thankful for any hovel we earn, and remain ever hopeful to acquire a nice hovel in the suburbs if we are deemed economically viable enough. Whereas, corporate persons are both nowhere and everywhere at the same time, dropping franchises and strip malls any where you choose, and granting penthouses with golden parachutes to those who you deem as the fittest to survive. Oh Corporate Overlords, please forgive our mere existence in time and space.

Response: Oh Corporate Overlords, please hear our plea.

LITURGIST: We now recognize the superiority of corporate personhood having no eyes or ears, unlike flawed human persons. We are burdened by the onslaught of advertisements that we need to see and hear in order to discern your gracious will for us. Whereas, corporate persons rise above this din and clatter, seeing no evil and hearing no evil. Oh Corporate Overlords, please forgive our dim senses.

Response: Oh Corporate Overlords, please hear our plea.

LITURGIST: We now recognize the superiority of corporate personhood having no mouths, no noses, nor tongues, unlike flawed human persons. We are drawn willy nilly about by tastes and smells, unable to control our ravenous appetites and gluttonous ways. We speak openly and often, when we should be quietly learning from your sublime ways. Whereas, corporate persons have no tongue to speak evil, and corporate persons are the only ones who can truly be neither too rich nor too thin. Oh Corporate Overlords, please forgive our libertine and selfish ways.

Response: Oh Corporate Overlords, please hear our plea.

LITURGIST: We now recognize the superiority of corporate personhood having no lungs, no digestive tract, no liver, unlike flawed human persons. We need clean air, clean water, and wholesome food to be healthy enough to do whatever blessed work you bestow upon us. We cannot survive in toxic environments like you. We stand in awe of your only need and purpose: ever-growing profits. Oh Corporate Overlords, please forgive our many needs that get in the way of your ever-growing profits.

Response: Oh Corporate Overlords, please hear our plea.

LITURGIST: We now recognize the superiority of corporate personhood having no need to spend many unproductive years as children, and no need to retire when old, unlike flawed human persons. We spend way too much of our lives in these pitiful, uneconomically viable stages of life. Oh Corporate Overlords, please forgive our lack of productivity and inefficiency by being human.

Response: Oh Corporate Overlords, please hear our plea.

LITURGIST: We now recognize the superiority of corporate personhood having no blood, unlike flawed human persons. We shed our blood and die in your holy wars, with only one regret: that we have but only one life to give. Oh Corporate Overlords, please forgive our mortality, and please forgive how inconvenient of a fuss that we make about it.

Response: Oh Corporate Overlords, please hear our plea.

LITURGIST: We now recognize the superiority of corporate personhood having no life force to be crushed or simply fade away because of age, unlike flawed human persons. We envy your gateway to immortality. Through the almighty inflow of profits you can live forever. Oh Corporate Overlords, please forgive our deaths, and let us resign our own lives to your higher and more eternal purposes.

Response: Oh Corporate Overlords, please hear our plea.

SONG LEADER: Now, let us join in the 3rd verse of "We Are Overcome," We're so small we failed

CONFESSION

PREACHER: Oh great corporations, in you we live, and move and have our being. You teach us how to live, what to buy, and where. We are forever in your debt. May thy profits ever increase, and may you trickle down upon us in thy mercy. We confess that we have been unworthy of your greatness. We have not purchased everything that you have offered to us upon the altar of thy holy television set. We have sometimes gone forth to relieve ourselves during the time of your blessed advertisements. Forgive us O Ford, We confess that by word and deed we have not properly served thee o great Bank of America, and thee General Motors. We repent of finding meaning and purpose in our lives through wholesome relationships with others and nature. We repent of finding happiness in those places that have yet to come under thy beneficent monetized care and control. Have mercy upon us thy repentant and penitent servants. Tell us how you would like us to send you our money. If we still possess property, please tell us how you can take this burden away from us. May the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts be acceptable to you Oh Ford and Chrysler.

PEOPLE: Amen

PRONOUNCEMENT OF PARDON

PREACHER: Beloved consumers, faithful and obedient shoppers, the great corporations, their purchased legislators, their legitimizers, and compliance enforcers have heard your prayers. Rest assured that their legal team will give a thorough and careful review of your words and deeds. Be assured, It shall be well for the corporate state. Rejoice, for it shall be very well for the corporate state. Be happy for in their wealth. In their power, and in their influence, the world is safe and secure. Remember the holy creed, The corporations are love. The corporations are our light. The corporations are our salvation. Through their pursuit of profits, the earth shall be a garden and paradise for the chosen. Pray that you may be worthy to be among the few to enter in upon it.
PEOPLE: Amen

MESSAGE

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Well, at this point we had hoped that we would hear some inspiring message, but, as it turns out, nobody really cares that much. This note pretty much says it all: "At the final General Assembly of Occupy Toledo, it was agreed, through a general lack of enthusiasm, the we have no message."

LYING OF THE MONEY

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It is a longstanding tradition that when Wall Street is implicated in deaths, that they throw money on the situation to cover it up. This is sometimes called "The Lying of the Money." In honor of this longstanding tradition, we will cover up the death of Occupy Toledo with money. Police lineup...uh, I mean please line up and follow the ushers direction. The ushers will give you some cash. Then, you will place this cash reverently on the coffin of Occupy Toledo. Please note, that due to non-disclosure agreements with our corporate sponsors, you must NOT "follow the money" or examine it too closely. Please, just trust that this flow of money has our best interests at heart. Please join in singing "Money speaks for us" while we all submit reverently to "The Lying of the Money."

SONG LEADER: Now, let us join in the 4th verse of "We Are Overcome," Money speaks for us (Repeat until "Lying of the Money" is done)

[Inside fake $20 bills]

Disappointed?
Had enough of fake corporations masquerading as real persons and touting money as free speech!

If so, join OCCUPY TOLEDO!

The physical re-occupation of Toledo will re-start on May 1, May Day, along with a world-wide general strike.

Join us in Levi's Square (downtown, St.Clair at Madison)

DEATH CERTIFICATE (View Death Certificate prop)

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: We will now have the reading and the signing of the death certificate.

DOCTOR: I hereby certify that Occupy Toledo, born October 10, 2011, has died on this day, April 1, 2012. The immediate cause of death was apathy. The underlying causes of death included: 1) an atrophied brain due to an overexposure to TV news and infotainment, talk radio, and so-called "reality" TV; 2) learned helplessness, due to an enlarged gullibility, making it susceptible to corporate propaganda and so-called political pundits; 3) a weakened constitution due to lack of exercising freedoms and widespread metastases of planetary consumption; and lastly, 4) pure exhaustion from running on the treadmills of trying to earn enough to maintain a decent household and fend off crushing debt.

[sign death certificate]

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Thank you, Doctor.

FINAL VIEWING

Now, we ask that you prepare yourself for the final viewing. We will have one last look at the deceased before we send Occupy Toledo off to a better place. As we prepare ourselves for this final viewing, please join in singing the 5th verse of "We Are Overcome," Death will set us free.

SONG LEADER lead song - Death will set us free

[after song finishes]
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Now, for the final viewing. [Open coffin]

Wait, what is this?!

CONSTITUTION (view Constitution prop)

It's a copy of the United States Constitution and the Bill of Rights. What is this doing in there?!

ONE-PERCENTER #1: Oh yes, that's mine. I asked my secretary to shred all of those copies, but, hey, you just can't find good help these days! I'll take that! [shreds and throws pieces in coffin]

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Wait, there is more. What is this?!

FORECLOSURE NOTICE (view Foreclosure Notice prop)

It's a foreclosure notice.

ONE-PERCENTER #2: Oh yes, I can take care of that for you. [READS Foreclosure Notice]

Dear Occupants,

Please consider yourself duly notified that the future is now foreclosed upon. The markets were heartened when all options on the future of America were purchased by Shanghai Holding Company, a Chinese venture capital group, a very limited liability corporation. Please note that "Hope" is now a registered trademark of the Shanghai Holding Company. Any person or persons found to be using "hope" without authorization and approval will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, and then some.

Signed, the 1%

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Wait, there is more. What is this?!

REPOSSESSION NOTICE (view Repossession notice prop)

It's a repossession notice?!

ONE-PERCENTER #2: Oh yes, I can take care of that for you as well. [READS Repossession Notice]

Dear Occupants,

This is your final notice. We have no idea what possessed you in the first place, but we are repossessing the American Dream. We have assigned our best and brightest to analyze the cost effectiveness of the American Dream. Unfortunately, for you anyway, the 99% have been deemed to NOT be cost effective, nor economically viable. The American Dream will now be the sole property of the 1%. We understand what it is like to live with economic pain. We have been over-taxed and under-profited for years. Nonetheless, we will do our best to offer jobs occasionally. However, please note that we will have to send many of these jobs overseas. Plus, we will have to cut your wages and benefits, in the case that we are able to offer you a job. Please understand that this is a necessity, in order to ease our own overwhelming economic pain.

To demonstrate our commitment to civic duty, we will display select portions of the American Dream at the Smithsonian Museums for your viewing pleasure.

Signed, the 1%

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Wait, there is more. What are these?!

IOUs (view IOUs props)

They seem to be IOUs?! Hmmm...

IOU
Jobs with a Living Wage
Signed, the 1%

IOU
Universal Health Care
Signed, the 1%

IOU
Reasonable Credit without an Overwhelming Cycle of Debt
Signed, the 1%

ONE-PERCENTER #1: Hmmmm...I see that these have expired...just like Occupy Toledo, heh, heh, heh. These are worthless now, I'll take them off your hands.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Oh, here are a bunch more [getting trash bag full of IOUs from coffin]

ONE-PERCENTER #1: Yes, I can take those off your hands as well.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: You can recycle those, you know...

ONE-PERCENTER #1: That's OK, I don't recycle.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Gee, recycling. I guess even recycling is too much to hope for... [lift urn out of casket]

URN [Cardboard Banker's Box]

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Hmmm...this must be it. A banker's box -- that seems eerily appropriate. [reach in grapping some ashes] Well, here it is: the remains of Occupy Toledo. Dust, just dust, like dust in the wind. Say "goodbye Occupy Toledo." Everyone say "goodbye Occupy Toledo." [motioning to crowd]

Wait a minute...what is this! [remove egg from urn]

PHOENIX EGG

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: What could this possibly be?! Did Occupy Toledo lay its final egg? Who could possibly know what this is?!

Look, it's none other than Doctor Knows-a-lot, the Occupy Toledo Memorial Professor, from the University of Toledo's Institute of Inexplicably Cool Stuff.

PROFESSOR: [holding up book] I just happen to have with me a copy of The Guide to Inexplicably Cool Things. This could help. [view book cover and professor script which fits inside book]

[looking at egg] This is rare! This is VERY, VERY rare! This is a Phoenix egg!

[looking in book]
Let's see...YES, here it is...
The Phoenix is a mythical bird known throughout the world, but rarely seen. The Phoenix appears in the cultures of Arabia, Persia, the Greeks, Romans, Egyptians, Chinese, and Native Americans. According to legend, a Phoenix egg appears only once every 500 to 1,000 years. This must be a VERY special time!

ONE-PERCENTER #1 [stepping up]: Very special indeed! Breakfast time! This egg will make the finest omelet in the world. I must have it. I bid $5,000!

Other One Percenters [bidding war]: I bid $10,000! I bid $20,000! I bid $50,000! I bid $100,000! I bid ONE MILLION DOLLARS! I bid TEN MILLION DOLLARS! I bid ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS!

PROFESSOR: STOP IT!! I don't believe this! This is the fulfillment of the prophecy!

[looking in book] Here it is...The Phoenix egg will only appear in rare moments in human history. Prophetically, the phoenix egg is a sign of re-birth of things too precious to be lost. One form of this prophecy occurs when non-humans, non-persons gain control over humanity, real persons. When these mythical non-humans or non-persons appear to be real to many people, then the danger of losing our own humanity is great. Those few who hide behind these mythical creatures, though only appearing as perhaps one in a hundred, will manipulate the remaining 99 and cheat them out of their birthright. However, do not despair, there are sure signs of the prophecy of the Phoenix bringing re-birth. The surest of these signs will be a crass compulsion by the few to put a price on everything while truly valuing nothing. The few will insist on buying anything and everything, even if that thing is the only hope for humanity, the re-birth of the many to overthrow the rule of the few. When this crass compulsion to buy anything and everything rears its ugly head, you will have your sign, the prophecy will be fulfilled, and the Phoenix will bring re-birth to the many.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Wait! What sign?! How are we to know that the prophecy will be fulfilled? Wait -- what is this? [remove scroll from urn] I didn't see this in here before!
[Hand scroll to professor] [View scroll prop, script]

PROFESSOR [Reading Scroll]: Hmmm...it says here that before this prophecy can be read publicly, we must make sure that there are no corporate specters here, no non-persons masquerading as real persons. Check the person next to you to make sure they are real. [tentatively touch those nearby]

[after audience touches each other to confirm real]

Hear this prophecy: The crass compulsion of the few to buy anything and everything is complete. The few dare to literally buy and consume the HOPE of the many. Because of this abomination of the few, the Phoenix's prophecy is complete. The many, the 99%, Occupy Toledo, will be re-born one month from today in this same place. HAPPY RE-BIRTHDAY OCCUPY TOLEDO. Join us on May 1, May Day, a world-wide general strike, for the re-occupation of Toledo. Thus speaks the Phoenix, "You, the many, the 99%, shall arise again and be free. Join together with the peoples of this land and from around the world, and the few, the 1%, will be vanquished."

Security! Arrest the 1%, take them away!

Ushers! Dismantle the so-called "Free Speech Zone" and place it in the casket. I now declare all of Toledo a free speech zone, regardless of how much money you have.

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: Another sign of the Phoenix! [Take RE-BIRTHDAY Banner from casket and have USHERS place over giant tombstone]

[holding up funeral fan] Attention! People! Let's rid ourselves of our fans of the flames of consumerism. Please place your funeral fans in the casket. Rid yourselves of these fans! Let's bring an end to consumerism.

BENEDICTION

[After funeral fans and free speech zone places inside casket, Re-Birthday Banner placed over giant tombstone]

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: And now, gather together again, as we will hear our Benediction, our sending forth.

PREACHER:

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Attention! Stick around. Sign our May Day re-birthday card. Enjoy some food. Enjoy some good company -- the kind of company that doesn't need incorporation papers to live. THANK YOU for coming out today!